The Gem of Old

Do you remember the children’s story I had promised to write for my friend’s godson? (No? Read here.) I have actually been struggling with it for that long. Seriously. My friend was being super nice and said I could finish it for Christmas but I was worried I’d avoid it until December and be in the same situation I am now. So I was determined to finish it. As I was tearing my hair out, a friend on Twitter mentioned witches and all of a sudden, I had the missing part of my story! Don’t you just love it when that happens? That was last night and I finished the story today. Woo hoo!

Now I need you. I need new eyes to make sure I haven’t missed any errors or typos and to make sure the story reads okay. It’s for  five year old boy (who is also the main character). In the actual story, it includes his full name, his brother’s full name and the name of their school. I took those out for the online version ’cause, well, they’re kids.

Be brutal! (But not too brutal, I’m printing and mailing this on Thursday so I only have tomorrow night to make alterations.)

This link should work and bring up a .pdf document:

Paul and the Gem of Old

Anything you notice, just put in the comments below. I’m going to take the link down after 24 hours or so (sometime tomorrow night) so I don’t continue to get feedback after I’ve printed and mailed it ’cause I’d feel awful if I knew there was an error and it was too late to do anything about it!

You guys are awesome! I love you already.

Posted on September 4, 2012, in Writing and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Hello! :) Most importantly, I liked it! And glad I could help!

    First paragraph, “everyone cheer” – would cheer
    Second page, “stared in surprised”
    Third page, “returned IT to its home”

    Maybe throw in a mention that the horse he rides is actually called Thomas? :D

    Some of the paragraphs from the getting the armour part seem a bit long? I see why they are how they are, but shouldn’t they be kept short? (She says, having never really written for a kid…)

    I know this is stupid and it’s because he’s turned the horse round, but the toad being *behind* him really confused me :P

    • In my head, he’d turned the horse to walk away from the cottage when the witch hit him so he had to look behind him to see the toad… although reading it back I see the confusion xD

      Thank you for your proofing and for giving me the idea which saved the story :D You’re awesome!

  2. I think it’s great – it might be for a five year old, but I got really involved in the story too! hehe.

    With regard to ‘brutal’ errors – on page 3 when Paul asks why the table isn’t round, you need a ‘?’. Yes, I know – I’m harsh! 8oP

    Also, it might be that I’m reading it at 10pm and I’m ready for bed, but – I don’t get why Mike says King Arthur stole the idea of the round table, especially when their table isn’t round….have I missed something?

    I think you’ve done a fabulous job to say you were so nervous about it and had never written anything for such a young reader. You will have to post the reviews from Paul and Connor when they get it!

    Take Care,
    Cat

    • Aww, thank you Cat! As Paul may very well have the story read to him, it’s good that adults like it, too xD

      I threw in the line about King Arthur as a joke, mostly for the adult reading it, I guess. I was thinking that Paul thought the table should be round as in “King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table” but these aren’t King Arthur’s knights and so their table isn’t allowed to be round. Hence “King Arthur stole the idea” It was a bit of a stretch but it amused me when I wrote it, haha! Maybe some re-wording so it makes more sense :)

      I’ll make sure I get reviews from the boys! Thanks for your feedback :) x

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